When I read these answers from other women, I was looking at something deeply familiar and scary to me…
Abusive men always think there is a motive behind a womans actions and her words. They see her as only trying to maniupulate. They never see goodness in them. They distrust and are irriated by them.. They might feel they love these women but they don’t like them. The most important thing in any realtionship is to be liked and respected. Even when the women are in a good mood it irritates them. They want to show her up, put her down. make her feel inferior in evrything. Then when they have her upset it makes them angry that she’s weak. Yet the object is to tear her down. It’s a double edged sword: a no win situation. The woman spends years trying to prove she’s not bad. But it’s futile. He either knows it and doesn’t care or doesn’t and she’ll never prove it anyway.
They train women to ‘think’ for them, making them submissive and without any identity. She is expected to anticipate his every desire or expectation and to make his existence the focus of her life. They are treated as sex slaves, (taking away her femininity), only to leave her feeling besmirched and ridiculed. The motive behind all this,is to make him feel powerful. He lacks the integrity and dignity to be a real man.
Men who have a abusive nature are wanting power and control, they cannot control other men, or non-submissive women, so they prey on those who seem like they are submissive, those are vulnerable, those with low self esteem, or in my experience, lower their self-esteem with words, degrading them and truly making them feel like are doing something. “It must be me” They also show tremendous love, especially when they feel they are losing that control.
I was married for 33 years to a man who emotionally abused me. He was not physically abusive though he came close in his aggressive and frightening rages. He never saw things from my or anyone else’s perspective, never apologized, never allowed me to air a grievance, saw every criticism as an attack on him. Every time I thought of leaving him, something was happening in his life which made me feel terribly sorry for him and I couldn’t bring myself to go. He alienated everyone he met and thus ruined every budding relationship both personal and professional. Finally when he forbade me from visiting my family (who lived in another country) I walked away
Abusive men are looking for a way “out” of some situation they’ve most likely created in their head. They attack their wives/girlfriends and use this attack to channel their rage and feel like they can controll their emotions and their surrounding. Men are not the only ones capable of this conscienceness. When wives/girlfriends feel their at a less than desirable position in a relationship; they attack to gain what seems an advantage in their surroundings. This advantage seems to be the only reasonable way to controll their surroundings.
First these men study, observe from a distance (This may take one day or this may take a week or even a year) and then they pounce on their prey which is YOU. Next, they become a mirror reflection of YOU. (This is the con part) You believe you have found the perfect person. If he is sly, he will never slip up during this time. If during this dating period, you have gut feelings and thoughts, PLEASE FOLLOW YOUR INNER FEELINGS. THEY ARE RIGHT AND ALWAYS CORRECT. The relationship is perfect until you marry him. Small things begin to happen, ie, He criticizes your children, maybe kicks them out at some point,he picks on your animals, he yells at you for nothing, he starts picking on your wifely duties, you use too much electricity, you didn’t fix my dinner (after you worked a 14 hour day), tells you you are not the same, picks on you incessantly, tells you are not keeping the house clean enough, picks fights with you, tells you that he is the man of the house and you will do what HE says in his house, tells you to get out and that he is going to file divorce papers, he drinks excessively, passes out, flicks ashes around the house, watches pornography on the television, video, the computer and tells you that you are a prude, blames you for his outbursts, blames you for making him mad, charms his family members, his friends or buddies, and his workers, bosses, and co workers and treats them like gold, but watch out behind closed doors. Steadily, this man becomes more enraged, demanding, hurtful, abusive physically and mentally…he is totally unpredicatable…it does get worse and worse…it is very scary for YOU. The last act may indeed become violent and unsafe and may become your last breath. By this I mean a gun, knife, whatever. These men who are so angry will do anything at any cost to get their control back of you. Get out and do not tell him that you are going to leave him, this will enrage him more. You must have a plan.
was in an abusive relationship for a little over a year and this man knew how to manipulate every situation we were involved in. Believe me when I say always go with your gut instincts. He never wanted my family around even my four year old son. He would hold grudges against my family members for silly reasons and would make me choose between him and them. He started off calling me names, then it went on to pushing, slapping, spitting, throwing me out of cars, screaming at me when I would try to explain how I felt. It never got any better. He wanted to know that he was the “MAN”. I was always accused of cheating, not being there for him, and not being a woman. This was a man who I allowed to treat me like sh-t because I thought I loved him.
By confusing them and controlling them. One minute they absolutely love you – you are the greatest thing walking the planet (difficult to live up to) and then, after a period when you think the sun is shining and you feel confident, they find a way to make a black cloud appear. It’s very difficult for women living with what I would call ‘subtle’ abusers to judge when the next episode will be, but often it seems that the attack comes just when you least expect it – when everything is all right. And the problems will arise from something so seemingly inoffensive that the ‘victim’ is made to be very confused about what exactly she has done ‘wrong.’ The effect of this slow drip treatment is that you end up afraid to feel happy because that seems to trigger (very probably subconsciously) the desire in the abusive person to make the reverse the case. In my experience every ‘episode’ leaves the victim feeling less and less capable. The abuser, seeing the deterioration of the person he ‘loves’, may then be overly concerned about her health and about the terrible state she is in. But is this all just words, making the right noises? Promises of it not happening again eventually mean nothing because the victim knows damn well it will happen again – it always does – it is cyclic. The abuser is unwilling to seek professional help or guidance while, very often, as a desperate measure, the victim is likely to do this in an attempt to heal and perhaps find ways of dealing with the abuser. Very often, she does actually love them, but the love can fade after a while and is then replaced with a feeling of sympathy for the abuser (Bizarre, but then she is submissive – everything is her fault – she is sensitive – you couldn’t so succesfully emotionally batter an tougher person.) It is all very confusing. Confusing. That word describes so much.
Letting an abuser into your heart, mind and life is like opening the door to the devil. I am very honest when I say these types have nothing but a mission to destroy you and are bad to the core. I was married to an abuser. We have been divorced just over a year. When we met it was bliss. We thought the world of each other. We had the romance, the fun and laughter. It was a whirlwind. Little did I know he was only trying to get ownership of me quickly. We married a year later. Then the little comments started. I wasnt good at this or that. Then came the yelling. It was a gradual process of dehumanization and degradation. Then came the pushes and slaps. Then the financial abuse. I went hungry. It was hell. He would stop at nothing to ruin me. Anything good about me was not loved, it was a threat to him and he set out to ruin me. I left him. I didnt care for him as much. The pain to stay was worse than to leave, so I kicked him out. I am glad now. It was the best thing I ever did.
I have been in an abusive relationship with my husband for almost three years and we are separated now. I am not normally the submissive type of woman but since I loved my husband greatly, I tried to submit to his abusive ways out of fear and feelings of helplessness. I submitted to his manipulative, decietful, controlling,and neglectful ways but it really back-fired in the end. He used my submissiveness to only control and abuse me more. He continued to lie to me, abandon me, and neglect me. His behaviors got worse over time to the point that all my trust in him was completely eroded. I finally left him because of the breakdown of trust. I wish that I had asserted myself more in the past and had not submitted to his abusive ways – it may have given our marriage a chance to change and get better. Now, he says he wants to change but it’s too late for me to give him another chance because all trust is gone. It would be too great a risk for me to get back together with him after all that he has done.