My family and I LOVE Brian Regan

No doubt this comedian, Brian Regan, has made my family and I laugh, even during the hardest of trials in life.

Often Listening to…..

I’m wearing my, uh, “Hey, I’m getting fat clothes.” …Started untucking. I don’t know what to eat. My doctor told me to read, uh, food labels. You know, so I was in the store the other day, I was reading a Fig Newtons label. I’ve always liked them and I was trying to see if it was okay to eat them, you know. Everything looked pretty good, the fat content and everything. So I’m thinking, “I could, I could eat these.” I looked at the serving size… two cookies. Who the heck eats two cookies? I eat Fig Newtons by the sleeve. Two sleeves is a serving size. I open them both and eat them like a tree chipper. [Immitates tree chipper noise] Fig Newton shavings coming off the side. Gotta put a Newton catcher and empty that bag out as a snack. What they hell are they talking about, “two Fig Newtons”? They’re the size of a postage stamp. “You want another one?” “Oh, I don’t know. I’ve already had two whole entire Fig Newtons. Maybe I could try to muscle one more down, but I don’t know… Mm-mm… I am stuffed to the rafters!” They- they’re nuts! We got an ER here. We got a “three-Fig-Newton-eater”. “How many did he have?!” [CRP] “What is he, nuts?!” [CPR] “Doesn’t he read?!”

Who’s coming up with the serving sizes? A serving size of ice cream is a half a cup. What- what is that? Is that like a joke some guy put on there? “Hey come here. Look what I put for the serving size. [Points] Did Charlie see it? Charlie come here. [Waves Charlie over] Look what I put for the serving size. I just did it as a joke, but it’s going out like that. I don’t know what I should do. It’s on all the trucks. …Just let it go, I guess.” I think a serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container. You know, when you can’t do this no more. [Scrounging bottom of container] I even rip the side. [Licks] I don’t know what they’re talking about… Half a cup of ice cream.

I don’t know what in the hell is going on with cranberries, but they’re getting into all the other juices! Whoever the salesmen is for cranberries, he’s doing a great job. He’s showing up everywhere. “Hey, what do you got? Some apples? Put some cranberries in there. We’ll call it a cran-apple, go 50-50.” “What do you got? Grapes? How about cran-grape.” “What do you got? Mangoes? Cran-mango.” “What do you got? Pork-chops? Cran-chops!” Why don’t you back off, cranberry man. [Pushes away] Why don’t you take your sales trophy and have a vacation.

I had some Pop-Tarts this morning. Yeah, my doctor told me to eat more fruit. What better source than a thin layer in a strawberry frosted Pop-Tart? …Melted butter on top… I’m looking at the Pop-Tarts box, and I noticed they have, uh, directions on there. [Looks around] I give up on this species. They have two full sets of directions. They have, uh, toaster directions. Which, I’m not making this up, the toaster directions are longer than one step. I don’t know how it’s possible that the directions are longer than one… You’d think it would be, [Reads Box] “Step 1: Toast the Pop-Tarts… Go ahead, toast ’em… It’s okay… Hey are you still reading this?” But they’ve managed to break it up into smaller increments. These are the actual toaster steps. I wanna be in the room watching someone who has to consult these steps. “Okay, Number one: Remove pastry from pouch. [Astonished look of confusion] [Removes pastry] O-kay… Yeah… I see where they’re going with this. We are banging on all cylinders now. Okay, Number two: Insert pastry, oh okay, vertically! [Confused hand motions] …into toaster! [Looks around, confused, for toaster] …I gotta get a toaster!” It’s like two of like seventeen toaster steps. And then they have, uh, microwave directions. You can microwave a Pop-Tart. That just blew me away that you could do that. How long does it take to toast a Pop-Tart? A minute and a half if you want it dark?! People don’t have that kind of time? Listen, if you need to zap-fry your Pop-Tarts before you head out the door, you might want to loosen up your schedule. And I swear, it says “Microwave on high for three seconds”! That’s all. I don’t think I want to wake up and be eating in three seconds. You know, the alarm goes off… [Alarm goes off] [Hits alarm] [Shoves Pop-Tart in mouth] It’s late, I gotta get outta here! If you’re awake and eating and hauling in three seconds, it’s time for a change of lifestyle.

[Commercial]

So, I’m trying to work out. I don’t know what to do. I want to do something easy. There’s no such thing, you know? I thought yoga was easy. I went out and I bought a yoga video tape. I bought the beginners yoga tape. I couldn’t do anything on the whole hour. Nothing. Just fast-forwarding. “Uh, can’t do that. Can’t do that. Can’t do that. I know I can’t do that.” This woman in like a soothing voice, “Simply take… the bottom of your right foot… and place it on the small of your back.” [Lifts leg backwards] “Now take your left leg… throw it over the back of your neck like a scarf… and breathe.” [Tries to lift other leg, struggles] “I can’t breathe!” They had a thing called the relaxation pose which I couldn’t even do. Wh- what kind of shape am I in? I can’t even relax. I couldn’t do it. [Laughs] “It’s time for the relaxation pose. Kneel down on the floor, with your toes pointed back, behind you. Sit down on your heels. [Whispers]And re-laaaax!” I can hear my feet bones cracking! Relax… If she really wanted me to relax she would say, “Go get your favorite pillow. Curl up on the couch. Throw this tape away. [Whispers]And re-la-aax! Re-la-aaax!”

So what do you do, you know? I joined a health club. That’s intimidating, [Points up] always having some big, giant guy showing you around. “Hey, thinking of joining here? Follow him.” I felt like a little monkey. [Reaching up, holding his hand. Walking on tip-toes] “Where we going, Thunder?” They gave me a clipboard for my first day. Can you feel like more of a loser with a clipboard? “I’m new! I’m supposed to check things as I see them! [Notices something, checkmarks] And I think the guy was making up muscle names just to play games with me. “This machine right here is for your flactoid.” “That’s the toid I’m working on.” Then he leaves, I don’t remember anything he said. All I know is, I don’t think I ever felt so alone in my life. I’m in a health club with a clipboard and nobody’s talking to me. …I had black socks on. All I knew is, I didn’t want to follow these big guys who were able to move the entire rack of plates, you know? I don’t want to go next and only be moving only two plates. [Works machine] “Clank! Clank! Clank! I’m the two-plate guy! Clank! Who wants to spot me?! Clank!” So I get away from these guys, and I go over to this other area, where there’s nobody around. I got into this one thing, but I got into it wrong, apparently. I don’t know where your arms and legs are supposed to go, so I just get in there and just start moving stuff. [Pushes and pulls] This guy comes up, “Hey buddy, would you mind getting out of the painter’s scaffolding?” [Climbs out slowing] “Just checking the exits.”

I’ve been watching these, uh, these strong man shows. You seen these things? It’s got these big… nordic looking guys… they’re neck starts at like the top of their ears. There’s no vowels in their name. Their name is like Kttksvrdgrdgn. How do you call him for dinner? “Kttksvrdgrrrrrrrrrr! Get your brother, Gttsbrgnglvn. Gttsbrgnglvn! We’re having goulash!” I’m not making fun of them, you know, in case one of them’s here. It’s a competition that I think is weird. They’re not lifting weights, it’s like, “Alright, Kalkervick, we filled these grand pianos with molten lead. See how many you can hurl in that third-story window in thirty seconds.” [Lifts pianos and throws a few] [Struggles on one, screams] I’m a home, “Put it down! They don’t need to be up there! I’m sure of it. Your back’s gonna snap like a twig!” You’d think one of them would say, “Why don’t we rig up a pulley system? [Pulls ropes]

[Commercial]

How do you get healthy, you know? I have no idea what to eat, and I have a friend who swears by food combinations. You heard of this nonsence? She’s nuts. She’s like “You know what? You can, you should eat food combinations, and that way you can eat whatever you want. It’s just the combinations of how you put the food together. [High-pitched] You can eat whatever you want!” And then her, her examples are like, “Like you wouldn’t want to eat like, um, steak and potatoes, together. But you could have like a lemon rind, and, and raisin skins. Not the whole raisin. Take the skins and steam em! [High-pitched] You can eat whatever you want! You can, you can eat whatever you want!”

In the store I saw that, uh, “peanut butter and jelly in the same jar” stuff. What in the heck is that? Is there a point to that? I mean, I’m lazy, but, uh, you know, I wanna meet the guy that needs that, you know? Some guy going, “You know I could go for sandwich, but, uh, I’m not gonna open TWO jars. I can’t be opening and closing all kinds of jars. Cleaning… WHO KNOWS how many knives! If you’re that lazy, why not put croutons in there. Get the whole sandwich on one spoon. [Eats a spoonful] “Mmm! Scrumptious! I will have a second!” [Another spoonful] “Delectable! As was the first!” If you don’t want to clean the spoon you put on a squeeze bottle. [Squeezes into mouth] “Mmm! Lunch and no clean-up! Can life get better? I submit that it cannot!”

I eat like a kid. I like, uh, Chef Boy-ar-dee. Their ravioli, you know. But they have some stuff I’ve never seen in the real Italian food world, you know. You ever been in a nice Italian restaurant, “Hi, how are you? Um, I’d like to start with a nice bottle of chianti, and um, a couple of ceasar salads to get started. And um, I’m gonna have the beef-a-roni. Some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the lady.” [Points slyly]

You know people refer to food differently in different parts of the country, I’ve come to find out. I grew up in, uh, Miami, Florida. Went to a small college in Ohio. My roommate, my freshman year, was from New Jersey. Our first night in the dorm, I had never met this guy, he goes, “Hey, uh, you wanna go halves on a pie?” I was like… [Looks around confused] I found out later he meant pizza. I had never heard that put like that in my whole life. I thought he wanted to get a pie. You know, I was like… [Stares] “You wanna get a PIE?” He was all excited, “Yeah, you know, I figured we’d go halves on a pie, you know? Celebrate. Split a pie.” [Squints] “Well I hadn’t really thought about that… What are you? Little Jack Horner?” This guy wanted a pie. So, I wanted to be open-minded. It’s my first day in college. I’m like, “Yeah. Okay… Let’s get a pie. You- you seem to like pies.” So we got half-pepperoni and half-pumpkin.

I like the International House of Pancakes. You know, I’ve always liked their pancakes. They’re good! I just don’t know who designed the roof to that place. [Forms steeple with hands] That’s a bit much, isn’t it? It’s like a cathedral. [Mimicks solemn church music] They’re just pancakes. You don’t have to worship em! [Sings as church choir] Pa-an-ca-akes. Pa-a-a-an-ca-akes. Pa-a-an-cakes.

[Commercial]

I’m wearing new contact lenses. I just had my prescription changed after six years. You ever wait that long? And then you’re like, “Man! I can see!” How can “instantly improved vision” not be at the top of your “to-do” list? “Eh, I’ll see ya tomorrow. I got a sock drawer I gotta sort out.” So I- I go in for the eye test, and I don’t know about you, but I concentrate like crazy during the eye exam. You know? You don’t want to get no “D” on that thing. End up with these big, thick, coke-bottle glasses. [Holds hand like big lens] “I didn’t take it serious.” [Looks around cockeyed] “Are you still in here?” So I go in for the big eye exam, and I don’t know about, but I, you know, I- I’m sitting in that chair, and they slide that big, giant thing on my face. [Holds hands up] “Are these my glasses?!” He held up a pair of glass, “Do you like it better like this? Or like this?” “Do you like this one? Or this one? I like this one, but I have to see this one again. Wait a second, this one… Wait, when I think about it, this one…” What’s going on with that test? I drive my eye doctor nuts with it, because I can’t commit! I can feel him losing his patience. He’s like, “Do you like number one, or number two?” [Indecisive] “Oh, I don’t know…” “Okay, let’s do it again. Okay, number one, and number two.” [Exhales heavily] “I… I think we’re gonna be here a while.” I’m surprised he doesn’t cover one with black tape. “Is the other one clearer now? Get outta here.”

There’s too much pressure in the eye test. They do one test all the time. I don’t know what they’re looking for. All I know is, I get an anxiety attack in the middle of the damn thing. “Tell me the exact moment point A is directly over point B.” I’m like, [Mouth agape, shaking, muttering] “Uhhhh- NOW! No! NOW! NOW! THEN!” I don’t know. I don’t know when it happened. I’m worried if I’m off by an eighth of a second, I’ll get like these big, giant hubble “coming attraction” glasses. [Waves hands slowly in front of face] “Woah, you must have messed up that A-B test.” “Did I ever! Hence the corrective spectacles.” What are they improving? My ability to watch cars pass on the highway? “They pass NOW! And they pass NOW!” “Man, you’re nailing it on the noggin!”

It’s weird in the exam room, you know? It’s just him and me… It’s dark in there… The door’s closed. I feel weird when he slides his chair up, uncomfortably close to you. [Creeks and walks forward] He’s like this far from my face. [Holds fingers up to nose] And he shines like this goofy light into my eyes for about five minutes. [Beathes heavily] “How you doin there?” “I’m a little uncomfortable. Can you back up a tad? You want a piece of gum?” He asked if I wanted trifocals. I’ve been away from the eye doctor too long. I didn’t know what he was talking about. Trifocals? He goes, “Yeah, you can see three different distances depending on where you look through the lens. You can see close, medium, or far away.” I was like, I can’t even imagine getting used to that, alright? “There’s a book. There’s a plane. There’s alpha-centauri! Anybody have a need for that? “Is that a fly on my nose? Is that a comet?!”

So my eye doctor told me this, I’m not making it up. He goes, “You know you have one eye set a little bit higher than your other eye?” “No… I didn’t know that.” He goes, “It’s no big deal. It doesn’t affect your vision or anything. I just though you might want to be self-conscious for the rest of your life.”

You guys are great. Thank you all very much. [Waves goodbye]